Top 10 Characters You Want As Your Head Of Security

When a company is first founded, it is often done on the principals of an enjoyable work environment and the sharing of creative ideas. However, with the possible exception of Google, as a company gets larger; the focus shifts more toward keeping out the undesirables and stopping corporate theft. Since you will no doubt be successful and rich in the near future (personally I plan to make my first million in the next month or so), it is time to shift your focus and look at what characters you would want as your ‘Head of Security’, what makes them strong candidates for the job as well as their weaknesses as security personnel.

10. Professor Layton (Professor Layton and the Curious Village)

Why he would be excellent for the job: Professor Layton is a problem solver. He’s got 99 problems and solved every one. Layton is one of the smartest men in London. He would think of every conceivable angle someone could possibly steal from a company.

Hypothetically, if one thief was travelling north at 60 MPH, could only make right turns, was afraid of stairs and elevators, and wanted to break into the safe on the 13th floor of a 12 story building how would he do it? In the time it took for you to read that question Layton already solved it…twice.

Why he would be terrible for the job: Layton is not exactly muscular. In fact, it appears as though a stiff wind could probably thwart any attempt by Layton to stop a potential criminal. So Layton is more of a ‘fair weather’ Head of Security.

9. Agent (Crackdown)

Why he would be excellent for the job: A genetically altered superhero who improves his abilities simply by doing what he is supposed to be doing anyway? Sounds like the perfect candidate for the job. With every potential corporate theft, The Agent would become more adept at his job and would be able to further frustrate future thieves’ efforts.

Why he would be terrible for the job: The Agent would only stay with your company for a limited time. As his skills improved and he realizes he can leap buildings in a single bound he will quit working for you and turn to a more lucrative career as a Professional Superman Impersonator.

8. Duke Nukem (Duke Nukem 3D)

Why he would be excellent for the job: He’s here to promote corporate security and chew bubble gum…and he’s all out of gum.

Why he would be terrible for the job: Sexual harassment lawsuits; a lot of them.

7. Sean Devlin (The Saboteur)

Why he would be excellent for the job: Have you ever heard the phrase ‘A good offence is a good defense’? Sean Devlin is a one man army of corporate sabotage. He will indiscriminately blow up your business rival's various public works. Why worry about other companies trying to take your secrets when you can just explode the competition?

Why he would be terrible for the job: I don’t use the word ‘indiscriminately’ lightly. I mean that Sean will blow up the lobby of your commercial rivals regardless of how many innocent lives are lost. So you have to choose between removing any competition and killing hundreds of innocent people, which maybe isn’t that hard a choice to really make…

6. Cole Phelps (L.A. Noire)

Why he would be excellent for the job: When you bring Cole Phelps on to your team, you know you’re getting a person with experience. He will follow clues and find the person responsible for any crime committed against your company. It is refreshing to know that if Cole fingers a person for a crime, chances are good that he really is the one who did it.

Why he would be terrible for the job: Cole Phelps is not someone to be described as ‘even-keel’. One minute he is asking you questions as though he is your best friend and the next minute he is shouting at you because he knows your lying to him about stealing pens because he can see the ink on your fingers.

5. The King (Sneak King)

Why he would be excellent for the job: Take a moment to look at this face…

…Sweet unholy terror. One of the most common ways company secrets get out is through the loose lips of employees, but are you going to mess with the company that has The King standing in the lobby? Hell no! You can tell that behind the unyielding terror that is The King’s gaze is a man who knows at least 48 ways to kill you with a hamburger.

Why he would be terrible for the job: The King always wears a mask, which doesn’t really offer the greatest visibility. This means that if any corporate saboteur were to try and interfere with your company’s progress, The King isn’t really able to give chase to the perpetrator without bumping into employees, tasteful office plants, and falling into the fountain in the lobby.

4. Pvt. James Ramirez (Modern Warfare 2)

Why he would be excellent for the job: There is no person better than Ramirez at following orders. You could tell Ramirez to run your security department, head the PR department, and pick up your dry cleaning and Ramirez would do it without any complaining.

Why he would be terrible for the job: It cannot be easy following orders your entire life while your superiors are not doing anything. And once the ‘Ramirez, Do Everything!’ shtick wears on him enough he will quit, meaning then you will have to pick up your own dry cleaning…and no CEO wants to do that.

3. Cave Johnson (Portal 2)

Why he would be excellent for the job: Cave Johnson is a ‘go-getter’. He has great ideas and built Aperture Science into a beacon of progress. Sure, not every idea was a winner and maybe he didn’t have strong morals, but morals have no place in the corporate world. 

Why he would be terrible for the job: He is gunning for your job. A ‘go-getter’ is only a good thing when what he wants to ‘go get’ isn’t your career. Chances are he could get your job too because Cave Johnson’s ideas are better than yours. When life gives him lemons, he makes lemons grenades. Your best idea was to make lemon scented toner for the copy machine.

2. VectorMan (VectorMan)

Why he would be excellent for the job: VecorMan was created for the sole purpose of being more bad ass than Sonic the Hedgehog (which was actually difficult to do in the 90’s). His whole body is a series of circles, which as everyone knows is nature’s most flexible shape. This means that Vectorman is able to move nimbly in tight spaces while chasing down the employee who keeps stealing all the post-it notes. In addition, VectorMan’s arm is a gun. So when he finally catches the post-it note bandit he can shoot him while saying a cool one-liner. This guy is awesome.

Why he would be terrible for the job: If you hire VectorMan, a man made entirely of balls, prepare to be constantly emasculated by him; plus, the jokes about how your Head of Security has ‘bigger balls’ than you are going to get old pretty quickly.

1. Cookie Masterson (You Don’t Know Jack)

Why he would be excellent for the job: Cookie Masterson is the host of the trivia series You Don’t Know Jack. A trivia host may not seem like an obvious choice for a security position, but Cookie is omniscient. He sees all. He knows all. The Head of Security should know about the entire goings on within the company and who better than an omnipresent, disembodied voice?

Why he would be terrible for the job: He is all-knowing…so that means he knows what you do in your office on Wednesdays and why it makes you wink when people call it ‘Hump Day’…shame on you.  


Johnny Lightning writes a variety of articles for and can also be followed on his new found Twitter account @RealJohnnyLight.

jbrad6's picture

first lol but what about steve from borderlands whose answer to everything is to shoot it repeatedly in the face with a revolver?

AnalbagEd's picture

Nice, I like it's formatted somewhat like Cracked, I would enjoy seeing more of these.

brodyitis's picture

I appreciate the reference to VectorMan. Not many people know how much Sonic the Hedgehog sucks, because they haven't played VectorMan.

jebus914's picture

The one for Duke Nukem made me laugh.

MarioDragon's picture

I am genuinely surprised and somewhat impressed that Master Chief isn't on here. That's not a bad thing by any means, I see it as a good thing.

Haters G0n Hate's picture

what about a big daddy from bioshock?

Jvez22's picture

I don't know about you guys but i'm hiring kratos as my head of security. 

Captain_Morgan's picture

I second Kratos. Sam Fisher or Solid Snake would be a good choice as well.

Sharpevil's picture

Wait, what? A stiff wind could stop layton? Have you seen this guy in a swordfight? And the guy, after being cornered by a team of thugs with tommy guns in a casino, broke down a goddamned slot machine and turned it into a machine gun that shot tokens at lethal velocities on the fly. I think it's safe to say this list is, in fact, backwards..

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