Top 10 Breasts in Video Games

Video games have long used titilating female characters to attaract the 18 to 30 year old male, and with great sucess. Personally, I have long been a fan of the female form; almost for as long as I have been a fan of video games. So when the two combine, I am on cloud 9. To borrow a phrase from one of the greatest bands Piebald, Sex Sells (and unfortunately I am buying). 

9 & 10: Analisa Gambozinni:

She did her make up like my grandmother. She talked as though she had suffered through several lobotomies. She sounded like a Jersey shore reject… She also got stark naked. Within 20 minutes of meeting this girl, she decides clothes are more of an ‘optional’ thing and decides to go without them. For the record, I recently finished college and not once did I see a bouncy co-ed shed her clothing within even an hour of meeting her. Clearly, I chose the wrong school.

Arguably the best loading screen of all time.

The game Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude (*groan*) was one of the worst games I ever suffered though. From the second the game was powered up I regretted my decision to play it. The controls? Atrocious. The graphics? An eyesore. The gameplay? Repetitive. The boobs? Awesome. 

7 & 8: The Sunflower in Conkers Bad Fur Day:

Boobs in games is not a new invention. Adult video games have been in existence from the days on the Atari. However, boobs have always been the reward for putting up with whatever hoops the game forced the player to jump through. Rare, a company known mostly for family-friendly fare such as Banjo-Kazooie, decided to innovate the conventional use of boobs in video games.

In one level, Conker is introduced to a friendly Sunflower…who also happens to have DD knockers. The best part is Conker can use these over-inflated monsters to bounce and reach higher platforms in the level; marking the first time that boobs were required to progress the story in a game.

To be honest, I don’t know the rules for censoring pictures of flowers. 

5 & 6: Samus Aran:

 Don’t skip reading this section, it may not be going exactly where you are thinking. In the original Metroid on the NES, players were treated to one of the most tantalizing reveals in gaming history.

Well, as tantalizing as 8-Bit can be I suppose. 

Samus is a girl. Yep.

As time passed, gamers accepted the fact that the intergalactic bounty huntress was a girl. Then Nintendo decided a strong female lead was boring without any sex appeal, so they delivered unto the world Zero Suit Samus.

 

‘Sir, We need a bigger rack on our empowering female heroes’

Those are big. And that suit is so form-fitting. Samus is no girl...she's a woman! 

I once met a guy on the internet who went by the moniker ‘ZeeboxScrib’. His claim to internet fame was a plethora of erotic drawings he had done of old Nintendo characters. I haven’t talked to him in a while (for obvious reasons) but he must have a job working at Nintendo, because only a creator of erotica could have come up with the design for Zero Suit Samus.
 

3 & 4: Princess Zelda:

Female characters in games often have such things as ‘personality’ and ‘character’. Princess Zelda has both of these things in spades, but her character is defined by something else.

In one of the definitive 3-D titles of this generation, Ocarina of Time, Link comes across a mysterious figure know only as Sheik.

All I see if my new male best friend.

The first time anyone met Sheik, they assume it’s a guy. End of story. I mean, society is in shambles so if some guy wants to live his life out as an effeminate ninja who are you to stop him? Then came the big reveal…

…Sweet moustache! It’s Boobs! I mean Zelda! This was a very confusing time to be a 13 year old. Your best friend just transformed into the girl of your dreams and that is not a situation your brain is wired to handle at such a young age. At least now you don’t have to confront those feelings you had for Sheik though, because he was a girl the whole time.

This gender-bending event marks one of the few times a character's identity is defined only by her bust size.

1 & 2: Princess Peach:

It takes a lot to make gaming’s alpha male turn and take notice, and that is what Princess Peach does every day to the OG of gaming, Mario.

Princess Peach has the killer B’s…Blonde and Boobs. Sure, they may not be oversized, but her classic figure keeps Mario interested, and with all his success he could have any virtual tail on the market.

 

Maybe Mario is just there for some of the royal family’s money.

You may be curious as to what put Peach on the list, but not Princess Daisy. I mean, both ladies have complete control over their men and have some of the most powerful figures in gaming at their beckon call. Well, mostly, it is because Daisy has Luigi as her love interest, not Mario, and Luigi always seemed like more of an ass man to me.
 
 

bip267's picture

This is great. You should make another one, I haven't laughed so since listening to Dan and Johns podcast. Anyway great and i hope for a new one.

Dan Broadbent's picture

I can honestly say I've never seen a plant in the running for best boobies.

Also, giving each breast a spot on the list is pretty awesome.  Makes me wonder if there are any 1 or 3 breasted chicks in a video game.

Tyrken's picture

So wait, if Luigi and Mario are straight and Wario and Waluigi(or whatever) are the opposite, does this mean they like it in the pooper?

Great list, funny yet mind opening, Excellent.......

RPGeesus's picture

An oddly masculine list, but entertaining and fascinating nonetheless. Bravo, sir. Too bad Leisure Suit Larry had to be mentioned at all, but it's at least a way to "broaden my horizons" on such a contentious topic.

alex01axel's picture

I somehow agree with this list. nice "Boobiejob";)

Solifluktion's picture

I like the fact that you didn't just pic the games with the best graphics and listed the Random Chick that all these Games nowadays have.

Henke911's picture

There is chicks with great boobs from newer games. Thats the funny part about this article :D

Goldteddy's picture

Hah next time it should be a top 20 list xD

oh and i never played conker sooo....i never knew rare was so into flowers.

Stebay88's picture

Awesome!!!!

brodyitis's picture

Awesome list. I would have to throw Laura Craft in with these.

P.S I just got reminded that Bulletstorm doesn't have the worst dialogue of all time. That honor belongs to Conker's Bad Fur Day.

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