Every gamer likes to believe they are the greatest at what they do. They believe they are the Michael Jordan of Halo, the Babe Ruth of Guitar Hero, and the Arnold Palmer of having drinks named after them. In reality, they suck at games just as much as anyone else. Here are 10 of the most humbling things that can happen to a gamer (and chances are they have).
10. Your Friends Ask You to Switch to Playing Bass in Rock Band
It’s a Friday night and your friends are on their way to your place. You throw a frozen pizza in the oven, pull some beer (or Pepsi for those of you who are under 21) from the fridge, and dust off your plastic instruments so you and your amigos can throw down in some Rock Band.
Your friends arrive. Sarah sings because she was in Choir for a few years, You take guitar because it’s your game, Travis plays the drums because his last name starts with a ‘B’ and you like to pretend Travis Barker is playing with you in your living room, and Steve plays the bass because it’s the only instrument left.
After a few songs with everyone playing on Hard you all realize you keep failing the song by Dream Theater. That’s when everyone collectively realizes that it is the person playing the guitar who keeps failing the song for everyone. So Sarah, Travis, and Steve take you aside and tell you it is time for an intervention. You are no longer going to play guitar for the band, you will be taking Steve’s place on the bass.
Picture taken moments after being handed the bass.
Sure you laugh it off. You say you are just playing bad because you have had a lot to drink. In reality you know you are only half way down your first beer. You cry on the inside.
9. Getting “Perfected” In a Fighting Game
In a fighting game two characters (or more) square off in battle. They trade punches, kicks, and fireballs back and forth until one player loses all their life. In order to be “perfected” a player must defeat the other without taking any damage. This means that, while playing against someone, you were so thoroughly destroyed you were unable to land even a slap. Don’t feel too bad though, this can happen to even the best players. Daigo, who is so good at Street Fighter he is a celebrity in Japan, was “perfected” by an individual known as Poongko.
You can see it happen in this video (The perfect occurs at about 3:45)
8. Rolling off a Cliff in Demon’s Souls/Dark Souls
Demon’s Souls/Dark Souls are not easy games. The enemies are tough, the player character is weak, and the bosses are relentless. There is little to no shame in being defeated by an enemy in these games. However, there is another way to die in these games. That way is to die via rolling off a cliff. No enemies, no boss, just you can the roll button sending you back to your most recent checkpoint.
But at least when you die in such an embarrassing manner, people do not see it right? WRONG! When you die, you leave a bloodstain that people can check to watch how you died. That means they watch as a shadow of your former self sends themselves tumbling into the abyss.
Want a way to make yourself feel better though? Here is 30 minutes of one guy getting killed in various places throughout Dark Souls. Awesome.
7. Running into the First Goomba on World 1-1
“I used to play Mario all the time as a kid. I beat the game in 20 minutes without using Warp Zones. It’s not really that hard. Have you ever found the minus world? I was the first one to find it. Yeah, it was pretty awesome, just a water level that never ends. Can you even beat the game without using Warp Zones? I think anyone who calls themselves a gamer should be able to do it. Alright, my turn, just sit back and watch me destroy this game.”
…I then ran directly into the first enemy on the screen.
6. Having Devil May Cry ask you to Switch to ‘Easy Mode’
Devil May Cry is a hard game. If you die too many times in a row, the game will start to take pity on you and actually unlock an easier difficulty level.
"I'm sorry my game is too tough for you little baby. I am also sorry my face is so punchable." -Dante
Sure, you can play the game on Easy…just don’t let any of your gamer friends find out. I would explain more, but Penny Arcade explains this feeling of shame better than I ever could here.
5. Getting Lapped in a Racing Game
Racing Games are very simple. Get to the finish line first.
Hypothetically, let’s say you are playing Mario Kart. You choose Toad because he is awesome and has a sweet blue go-kart (as good a reason as any). As you race around the track you see that according to the standings, Yoshi is in first place and you are in eighth place. This is something you find confusing because you can see Yoshi right in front of you. ‘What an amusing trick you have played on me Mario Kart!’ you think to yourself. Then as you finish your second lap, you notice Yoshi has finished the race. It is then you realize you are so terrible you were just overlapped by someone in Mario Kart. Your shame knows no bounds.
...and that damn Dinosaur always looks so pleased with himself.
But it is ok. Sure, you are terrible at video games; but now you can focus on positive things such as curing cancer or writing the next great American novel. So let me be the first to thank you on behalf of humanity for being terrible at racing imaginary characters around a fantastical track; you have done a great service to human kind.
4. Losing a StarCraft match you have clearly won.
Has this ever happened to you? You are playing as the Protoss against a Terran player. You get your army up fairly early; it’s a nice mix of Stalkers, Zealots, and Sentries. You march your platoon (which you called Hotkey Division 2) and blow your way through the destructible rocks and tear your opponent apart. He has no buildings or SCV’s left as far as the eye can see. Although you lost a lot of units during your march to victory you are confident you are clearly ahead and you begin to rest on your laurels, content to let your resources stockpile while you scour the map for the final building you need to destroy in order to win the game. Then you hear your probes are under attack? ‘Ridiculous!’ you think to yourself and you look back at your base. There you see 4 dropships full of maurauders tearing your base to pieces. ‘GG’ you type…’Damn’ you think.
3. Getting the “You have No Stars Star” from Bowser in Mario Party
Mario Party is a board game that is played by people who have a very high tolerance for playing games that require more luck than skill. Yet, in a group of four friends, Mario Party is always a good time. You steal stars, win coins, and screw your friends over in some of the most creative ways possible.
THEY HAVE MADE 8 OF THESE GAMES?!?! AND I CAN'T EVEN GET A SECOND MIRROR'S EDGE!
One of the factors that will often come into play each game is the dreaded ‘Bowser Space’. Landing here for a player usually means losing whatever coins or stars they have collected up to that point in the game.
However, if you have no coins or stars, Bowser will actually give you a star. That means you suck so bad that the biggest baddie in all the Mushroom Kingdom took pity on you. That’s the kind of embarrassment that really sticks with a player throughout their entire lives.
2. Having your Dog Tags stolen in Battlefield
I play the large majority of my online games on Xbox Live and playing in such a toxic environment has taught me many things; chief among these is that everyone who plays a first-person shooter thinks they are better than everyone else who plays. One of the greatest ways to assert your dominance over other players is to melee someone to death. Nothing is more embarrassing than losing to the guy who brought a knife to a gun fight.
However DICE, the company behind recent Battlefield games, decided to offer a trophy for players who manage to knife other players in the form of collectable dog tags. This means that each time you are knifed, a player now has a set of metal tags that have your name and rank on them. They can even go into the menu and view all the ones they have collected and reminisce about the kill…you know, like a serial killer.
On a lighter note, here is a montage video of a person collecting a bunch of dog tags in Bad Company 2 set to a parody song of the ‘DuckTales’ theme sung in German…because why not?
1. Trying to Capture Mew in Pokemon Red/Blue
The original Pokemon games had 150 little buggers to catch. But there was a rumor of a 151st Pokemon named Mew. It was the Holy Grail among Pokemon players back in the day. Although the internet was still in its fledgling state, gamers scoured pages trying to find the way to unlock this mystical creature.
I devoted my life to this is elementary school.
Here is a list of some of the ways to catch a Mew that floated around the internet.
• Win a Nintendo Power contest
• Using a Pikachu that can learn surf, skip Sailing on the SS Anne and push the truck next to the cruise ship using strength.
• By glitching a trainer into seeing you, but not attacking you, fly to Lavender Town and you will find a level 7 Mew you can catch.
• Catch Missing No. and then fly to Victory Road and wait five minutes and a Mew will appear in your next random encounter.
…and many more…
Rumor has it the 3rd method I listed works, but I am not going to debase myself by trying to find a hidden Pokemon that consumed my life as a 6th grader.
…alright fine, so I am going to try to catch it as soon as I finish writing this list.
Bonus: Owning Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust