If Games Were Girls.

Seeing as we are well into summer mode of gorging ourselves with microwave burritos, watching porn, playing videogames, and drinking gallons of alcohol (Or on some occasions a simultaneous combination of each), I figure I'll take a look back on some of the games recently released to give my own spin on a review and answer one question: If your game was a girl, what kind would it be?

I'll start way back to the beginning: L.A. Noire.

L.A. Noire is a lot like that chick you know that wears a lot of scene type of shit, has a couple piercings, yet is too conservative to be a completely annoying hipster. Yes, the girl is kinda hot, and you're psyched to get a chance to spend the night with her. It seems she has a sense of self-confidence because, she does things other people normally don't do.

You start hanging out with her and yeah, when you start making out with her she does some very enticing things to get you going (aka raising the Leaning Tower of Boner in your pants), but making out is the only thing she knows how to do, and after a while that starts to get boring, and you just wanna get laid at this point. When it comes down to the moment where you try to render her legs useless with your crotch, she goes and tells you that not only will she not bang you, but she wont even go down on you either. (She offers a handy, but any guy knows that he can do that to himself better, and 1000 times faster, so what's the goddamn point other than getting your peepee touched?... I think I answered my own question right there)

L.A. Noire is that cute chick who looks awesome but only does one thing that wears down on you after a while, and right when you want the good part to happen, she leaves you with blue balls.


L.A. Noire draws you in with it's polish and unconventional dialogue system, but after a half hour, you wonder when the good missions come along. It's like that scene in the movie Euro-Trip where the dude confesses to watching a gay porn once, expecting the woman to show up ("They never came!!"). As an L.A cop in the 50's, this game should be balls-out racist (yes, I am complaining that this game wasn't racist ENOUGH). You should get to shove your fist up an immigrants ass to pull out 5 bags of cocaine* and a toy car in a condom (this sequence does not happen in the game, but I garauntee you if this happened, it would have been much more enjoyable), but no, that shit doesn't roll with L.A. Noire.

*"Cole Phelps going mad on a cocaine-induced, Dewey Cox-like bloodthirsty rampage just not giving a fuck with his shotgun, his photo-realistic-but-sometimes-it jumps-and-wiggles-awkwardly neck and face, and his fedora hat" is a game I want to play.

Or at least something halfway decent like a zombie mode, but I guess we'll have to wait till Halloween for that. Come on, Bondi, just let me go balls-out renegade or something.

You want a massive gun fight? Fuck that, you're going to chase a man clad in only his underpants and a pan on his head, only to NOT catch him and watch him jump off a building (Sounds awesome written out, though when it actually happens, it's more disappointing than the verdict for the Casey Anthony trial)

I spent the whole game waiting for the "kickass mission" alla, the GTA4 bank robbery mission, and all I got was a shitty, game-tutorial robbery that was foiled single-handedly from some douchebag cop named Cole Phelps. (Again much cooler on paper than in practice) Even when there were cameos from the dudes from LOST and the guy from HEROES, I was still bored, because they didn't do anything different from 95% other suspects in the game. The game is just one giant case of blue balls from a scene chick.

MrDudeMan's picture

This was fucking hilarious

FratasticVoyage's picture

Thanks bro.

If it's received well enough, I'll do weekly posts of this.

explicit_baron's picture

That was pretty good, the beginning led me to expect more than 1 game. I expected Duke Nukem next but, I was wrong. Nice post though.

FratasticVoyage's picture

I'll get to the newer titles next. There is much to be said about some of the games in the past, as well as some classic titles, and a WHOLE lot more to be said about the different types of girls (I've banged [or almost have banged]).

darthsoraxiii's picture

keep em comin' 

XL_ARES_IX's picture

That was surprisingly entertaining... You seem a lot like a Dennis Miller sort of comedian.

Looking forward to the next installment.

pfro's picture

makes me want to play gta iv again

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